Regret
by alexispena
Summary: Cassie misses him, his voice, his smile, his eyes. Why did she have to push him away?
1. Pushing me away

I sat up in my bed, wiping the tears as they slowly slid down my face. The feeling of being alone seeping through my veins. Nick's words playing through my mind over and over again. The emotions resurfacing as I remembered how gentle he was. Laying here in bed, I made a decision, to forgive and forget. I'm going to forgive him for everything hes ever said to me that hurt, for every bad feeling hes ever caused, and I'm going to forget. I'm going to forget all our good memories, all the laughs we've had, all the moment's I've ever felt even a hint of safety with him. I'm going to forget...him. 

_**How did I get this point in my life?**_

We've been on the road for a while. They've been giving me the silent treatment since Arkansas. I thought of what I had done as we passed the Mexican Border. I had done something shameful. I wish I could take it back, I wish I could rewind time, or pretend like it never happened, but it did. When we were staying in a hotel in Arkansas, I got into a huge fight with Nick and Kira, I had tried telling them that I didn't want to be treated like a child anymore, that I'm 17 years old now. Kira retaliated with "What do you expect when you act like a child?". So began the huge fight between Kira and I, and before I could stop myself, I punched her square in her jaw. I don't remember much after that, but when Nick managed to pull us apart, she was bleeding profusely from her nose. I, realizing what I had done, tried to help her. She pushed me away roughly, "Fuc-!". I tried again to help her, but was pushed away once again, this time by Nick, who was fuming with me. "Cassie, just go", he never calls me by my full name, so I took it as a threat. I left. 

I wandered around for a little while, stopping at a small shop to clean up. She had gotten a few hits in as well, and I was bleeding from my lip. There was also a stain of blood on my white t-shirt, luckily I had a sweater to cover it. I mean, I felt bad about the whole Kira thing, mostly because Nick was hurt in the process. I knew Kira didn't like me and hasn't liked me from the beginning. Ever since she escaped division for the second time and came back for Nick, who insisted on me tagging along saying, "I can't leave her". That's what hurt the most, Nick had taken a chance with me, and I let him down. 

I had sat down on a bench about an 20 minutes away from the hotel we were staying. I don't remember how long I was there, but I remember seeing Nick and Kira pull up and tell me to get in. I reluctantly got in, struggling to contain my emotions. All my clothes were packed for me. I guess division had found out where we were staying and we were back on the road. It was eerily silent in the car. I decided to leave it be and turned away from them. Pressing the curved structure of my headphones against my ears, attempting to drown out any attempt to speak to me. I could tell they had started speaking, realizing I couldn't hear them. Probably about me. 

The ride all the way to Arizona was like a nightmare. When I finally had the courage to try and speak up. I turned off my iPod. Apparently they didn't know I had turned it off because they continued talking. "Nick, this has gotten out of hand", Kira spat, as I heard the venom breaking through to her voice. "Listen, we'll talk about this when we get there" Nick calmly said, trying to stay quiet. "Nick, you and I both know what has to happen and-" Nick interrupted "Kira! I told you we'll talk about this when we get there!" Nick's voice had an edge that made me want to hide in a corner. 

I sat there contemplating what was in store for me. The thought of them leaving me never quite got through to me. A dozen things broke through my head and I couldn't contain the tears that I had been fighting so long. As I silently wiped them away, I let a slight sniffle erupt the silence in the car. I could tell Nick had peered over the seat to look back at me, but I didn't want to look at him. I kept my eye's fixed on the surrounding architecture. 

When we finally got to the motel, I got my own, and they got a room for themselves. They didn't speak to me as they walked off to their room. I watched in a daze as they entered their room without so much as a goodnight. 

After about of an hour, I got a vision. It was division, they had fallen off our trail. I decided that even though they were mad at me, I need to tell them. As I got up the courage to walk over to their room which was 2 doors down, I softly knocked on the door. I didn't expect Nick to open the door so aggressively, I almost lost my footing. I stuttered as the panic surged through my body "Division lost us". Nick reluctantly allowed the anger erase from his eyes as he heard the fear in my voice. "Listen Cass-" Kira interrupted "Just tell her and get it over with". My eyes wandered around their room to find Kira leaning against the bathroom doorway, staring directly at me. I heard the sympathy in his voice "We think it's time to-" Nick abruptly stopped as though to consider whether or not to speak. "We think it's time you got lost" Kira indicated as she came up and pressed herself against the door frame. I looked at her in disbelief not grasping what she was saying at first. "You know, find somewhere else to go without us" Kira grinned. As the realization sunk in, I looked at Nick in astonishment "You can't possibly agree with what she's saying?" The tears threatening to break through. "You want me to leave?" my voice raising dramatically. "Listen, Cass-" he spoke softly as he reached for me. I pulled away from his reach, "No no no, **Nick**!" I let out a breathy sigh, ignoring my trembling fingers. "Tell me, is this what you're going to do? Just throw me away like everyone else because of _one_ mistake?". I fought the urge to fall to my knees begging him to let me stay, I wasn't going to fight for someone who didn't want me. I stood there, waiting for his response. I seemed like decades before he finally spoke, "It's just what we **all** need right now, Cassie". "Is this what you want, or what she wants?" I stepped forward a little bit, blocking her out of my view. "If this is what you want, I'll leave. I won't come back, if that is what makes you happy, but if this is what Kira wants...I'll apologize to her, I'll try to make it up". I flickered my glance towards her for a second. Her face had lost all anger, her face had twisted into confusion. He spoke up "This is what _I_ want".

I broke. My emotions showing on my face, betrayal, hurt, rejection. I walked away from his room without a second glance. As I finally reached my room, I walked in without looking over at Nick, who was standing there watching me. I closed my door lightly, sliding down with my back against the door, and pulling my knees to my chest. I cried. I would have sobbed if Nick wasn't only two doors down.

I was lost in my own life. I had no where to go, I had no family, I had nothing, no one. This would be the rest of my life, being alone. Lonely days, even lonelier nights. Realization sunk in, I was completely and utterly alone. 

**I made the decision.  
><strong> 

That morning, exhausted from crying all night, lifted myself up off the bed. I packed my clothes all my clothes, not even bothering to leave a goodbye note. As I walked out of the hotel room, the thought of Nick passed through my mind. Hoping this decision would truly make him happy, hoping he made the _right_ decision. I wondered if he would care if I was gone, but I pushed the thought out of my head. Of-course he would, it was his decision after all...

I closed the door to my hotel room. 

Walking over to the taxi I had called, I watched the motel as the Taxi driver put my bags in the trunk.  
>"Ready, little lady?" the taxi driver spoke with such kindness, I could only smile back with the same. "Yes, I am", and got inside the taxi. Just as we were about to pull off, Nick walked out of his room, dropping his bags as he saw me. I didn't understand why he looked so shocked to see me go, but I shrugged it off. I almost thought he would run after me, you know, tell the driver to stop, and pull me out, hugging me tightly. He didn't. He just watched as we drove away. <p>

_I held back on crying. I really was alone. _

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	2. The Tragedy

I'm pushing myself through a crowd of people, tears and smiles alike. A room so full of life, filled with the aftermath of death. There, kneeling on the ground, a woman, cradling her lifeless child in her arms as her sobs fill the room. I took to long, I didn't run fast enough, I didn't dream soon enough, this is my mistake. Parent's hugged their breathing children,  
>their cries echoing off the walls, but my attention lies solely on the woman next to me. I had failed her. It didn't matter that I had saved those other children. Their was a childless mother whose life was ripped away from her when her beautiful daughter had breathed her last breath. Time passed, people faded. Soon, all that was left was the lifeless child and her mother.<br>The little girl, Sophia, still clung lifelessly to her mothers hand, just as she had when she had taken her last breath. I watched as the mother slowly caressed her daughters cold swollen face, as her cries turned to a soothing hum, attempting to lul her already dead child to sleep.

They needed the childs body, as they began to clean up the crime scene. They slowly detangled the mourning mother from her child, and I approached cautiously, lighting grazing her shoulder. My mind flashes as I'm on the ground, the since mourning mother was now viciously pounding her fists into my face for what seemed like an eternity. She was ripped off me, "Why didn't you save her?!" she cried, "How come you didn't save her?" as she slumped down to the floor, sobbing.

I couldn't take it anymore, I felt as if my body was on fire, I couldn't breathe, I needed to escape. I pushed through the police officers at the door, allowing the cold winter air to fill my lungs. The bright lights of cameras surrounding me, I pushed past the urging questions and accusations, making my way towards the dark narrow alleyway, finding comfort in the silence. I leaned against the wall, breathing in, the pressure I had felt against my chest now gone. They had already questioned me, I was free to go. The only problem was, I had nowhere to go. In that moment though, the urgency to move on echoed in my mind, I needed to go. I mustered what strength I had left in me and proceeded to exit the alleyway, narrowly avoiding the reporters. I didn't enjoy the idea of leaving that woman, I needed her to understand, to see that I had tried. I had tried...

I walked till' the sun came up, trying to put as much distance as I could between Ohio and I. I had a dream, a vision in other words. It was odd at first, I had only ever had visions of division. It was different last night, it wasn't about division. It was about saving those people. Those doctors, children, patients...the innocents.  
>But, now, I needed to forget, I needed to move on<p>

That's what Nick would tell me to do, he would tell what happened wasn't my fault. That I shouldn't blame myself. He had always been there.  
>I shook my head, pushing the thoughts away. Nick was gone, he wasn't my Nick anymore. He was different. Allowing a woman to control his life, I wanted nothing to do with that man.<p>

It's been 3 weeks. 3 weeks since I got into that cab and rode away from him. I feel empty, I'm alone again. Sure, I had ways to make money, to keep myself fed, clothed.  
>I just...hate being alone. Espeially now, after what happened at the hospital. Again, I shook my head. I needed to move on, I needed to keep going.<br>I would make myself strong, I wold make myself independent. I'll show the world that I can do it. I'll show Nick that I can do it. 


	3. The Attempt

2 weeks later

I managed to make enough money to make it back to Hong Kong, something I've wanted to do for months. Kira always disagreed, saying it was too  
>dangerous to ever return there. Typical. Hong Kong is my home. I have learned to love it for what it is, the struggles and hardships alike. It's the only place that my<br>mother and I have any memories, and I don't want to give that up. Not until I get my mother out of Division, not until we're together again.

I'm trying to get my mother out, but it's incredibly difficult for someone like me to do. I'm not a mover like Nick or a pusher like Kira, the only way I can defend myself is based on my level of skill. Which I am working on by the way, I can handle myself pretty well with a gun. I'm still not good enough to go against such advanced movers and bleeders at Division. I need help...and I think I know just where to get it.

...

I walked into the crowded fish market of Hong Kong, the smell of dead fish invading my nostrils, almost stunning me. I push myself through the crowd of busy people, eager to reach my destination. "Cassie!", my body going stiff as I realize I've been discovered. I turn around and to my relief, it's just who I was looking for. "Hello Cassie! What a surprise!" the heavy chinese accent comforting me as he pulls me in tight for a hug. Nando is an old friend of my mothers. Much of my childhood memories feature him. He like family. When my mother had been, he always let me stay at his place whenever I needed to. He was always there for me.  
>I couldn't hold back the tears that stung my eyes at the feeling of a warm embrace. "Nando, oh I've missed you!" I exclaim, feeling him pull me tighter against him. I give him one last squeeze before pulling away, "I'm surprised you didn't see me coming" I tease lightly. He chuckles lightly "I have been so stressed with the business that I haven't had much time to focus" he says quietly, lighting rubbing the back of his head awkwardly. "Come Cassie, let's walk", as he gently ushers me forward with his hand. I walk beside him, waiting for him to tell me what he so obviously needed to. "What are you doing here, Cassie?" he whispers as he pulls me into a deserted alley. "You know that it's dangerous here", "Much too dangerous for you here" he scolds. Nando's a watcher, a very good one. I would even think that if they hadn't taken my mother, they would have surely taken him. He knows who took my mother, but like many others, there wasn't much he could do. Division is too powerful.<p>

"I need your help" I plead. "I need you to help me find someone". He looks at me with uncertainty, "for what?". I look away, worried "to save my mother".

He opens the door to his apartment, stepping to the side to let me in first. He turns on the light as I make my way over to the couch, sitting down exhausted. "You look horrible" he says as I smile, my eyes closing for just a second. "I know you're tired, Cassie" he says quietly as I feel the couch sink under his weight, "but we must talk about this". I open my eyes, looking at him. Nando is 42 years old, but he doesn't look a day over 35. His hair is shorter than I remember, only just reaching his ear. Traces of grey throughout. His face is still handsome, with hard edges and smooth skin. His lips turned into a mix of confusion and concern, his eyes on me.

I sit up, ready to explain. I explain to him my situation with Nick and everything before. "Before I split away from him, we were talking about finding a woman we had found out about" I stand up, my back to him as I walk to the other side of the room. "She has intel I need to know".  
>He stands, walking over to the kitchen to get something from the fridge "What kind of intel?". I give him a look of slight irritation, "If I could tell you, I would". He walks over to me, handing me a sandwich, which I immediately begin scarfing down not even realizing how hungry I was till now, "and why not?" he sits down, taking a sip from his coffee occasionally. "Telling you would put you in an extreme amount of danger" I tell him as I take another bite of my sandwich, sitting down in the loveseat across from him. "I wouldn't ever risk putting you in danger" I admit. "So, am I supposed to be okay with you being in danger?" anger lacing his voice, "What makes you think I'm okay with you being put in danger knowing that I helped you?"<p>

"I'm not saying you wouldn't do the same for me" I tell him, "I'm just asking a favor from someone who I hoped would help me with something that means so much to me". I watch as his restraint crumbles, noticing my emotional state, "I'll help you, but on my terms-" I cut him off as I run over to him and pull him into a tight embrace. "Thank you so much, Nando" my voice cracks with emotion, feeling him pull me tighter against him for the second time today. "Your welcome, Cassie" he pulls away, holding me at arm's length. "We'll discuss this more tomorrow, though" as he leads me to the guest bedroom, "You look exhausted" he admits as he opens the door for me. Stepping into the room,  
>I turn back once more catching him by surprise by pulling him into one last hug, "Really...thank you" I cry quietly, pulling away from him and immediately closing the door behind me, not wanting him to see me cry. I grab some old clothes I had left here before and go to take a shower.<p>

I strip the dirty worn clothes from my body, wincing slightly at my bruised thighs. I cautiously step into the steaming shower, leaning against the cold wall. Allowing the hot water to massage my aching back. I hear myself start to cry before I ever realize I am, the sadness that I had been supressing for weeks finally hitting me. I slide down the wall, pulling my knees to my chest and burying my head in my hands, sobbing quietly to myself. I needed this.


End file.
